How to find your true friends

Know yourself

Be realistic

Get rid of toxic friendships

Don’t be scared, this is not some deep existential thing, I don’t even think I fully knew who I was until the COVID-19 pandemic hit and I suddenly had a lot more time with myself. Even then, I know I am still changing, along with my views and values, which changes the kind of people I surround myself with.

Some people get very lucky and meet their lifelong best friends as small children, but for others, including myself, friendships come and go, and it can be hard to find someone who will grow with you. I have had numerous friend groups in my life, some of which have stayed, some have changed over time, and some are brand new. But how do you know who your true friends are and who you should say goodbye to? University is when most people get their first taste of freedom, but when it comes to studying, this freedom becomes more like a burden. When you suddenly have no help from teachers and parents to keep you up to date on your exams and assignments, you quickly learn that organization is key to your success. Organization can be tedious and stressful, so here are the steps to stay organized and reduce stress during exam season.

When I say know yourself, I mean here and now. You don’t need to know what you’ll be like in 5 years. For example, in high school, I was very judgmental about people of my age drinking, so I surrounded myself with people I knew wouldn’t pressure me and had the same opinion. Now, I love going out with my friends and making a night of it, but those same high school friends aren’t the people I will go to for that kind of stuff, I have new friends I will go out drinking with and that’s completely ok. All this to say, 5 years ago, I would never have thought I would be going out drinking with friends every couple of weekends or even having a glass of wine with dinner.

The goal isn’t to know everything about yourself at any given moment. Know your current likes and dislikes, core values and beliefs and you’re set! If you don't feel like doing some deep reflection, do a personality quiz! Truity.com is a great source to find all kinds of personality tests to find things out about yourself, like your personality type, your love style, and your most dominant personality traits. Everyone is constantly changing, but if you know your core values and stick to them, you will always have a guideline of how you fit in the world, and how other people fit in your world.

This is where those core values come in because toxic friends are people who will ignore your boundaries and make you question those values you have set for yourself. Some types of toxic friendships are obvious, like a one-sided friendship where you put in all the effort to spend time together and the other person doesn’t, or narcissistic friends who will always want to be heard but is never willing to listen.

Sometimes, however, toxicity in friendships can be hard to detect and you don’t realize someone was a negative influence on you until long after the friendship has ended. The key is seeing how you feel around this person. Are you scared to tell them something, worried about how they will react? Do you feel like you can’t be completely yourself around this person because “they just don’t know that side of you”? Are you starting to question your personal values based on what they have said or done? That is a toxic friend.

These questions may seem like obvious signs, but that’s not always the case. I once had a friend who would always make you feel heard and would go out of her way to give you advice, and generally had a very motherly presence. However, it was only after I had stopped being friends with her that I realized she would only listen to other people’s problems to make herself feel better about her own and would gossip about you to her other friends.

This is why detecting toxic friendships is hard, because when you’re with them everything seems great, but when you’re alone you have worries and questions. Those worries and questions are what you should listen to and get away from that person as soon as you can.

Finally, no matter how well you know yourself, or how well you’ve been able to stay away from toxic friendships, there is no real recipe for finding true friends, it’s all through trial and error. You can find someone who aligns perfectly with your personality, your values, and your beliefs, and you can still grow apart.

I’ve learned two key things about friendships in my life. The first is that some friends are for certain things. I have friends to party and drink with, and other friends I would rather grab a coffee with and go for a hike with. The second thing is that friends come and go. This doesn’t mean that, when they go, they can never come back.

Sometimes you can grow apart because you have reached different milestones in your lives but can find each other again. Sometimes you can go months or even years without seeing each other but when you do it feels like no time has passed. But other times you can get very close with someone and suddenly change and are no longer friends. This is the reality of life. As harsh as it sounds, when it comes to people, there is no “forever”, no matter how much we would like there to be. But that’s just another reason to appreciate what you have in the moment, knowing it may never be the same again. It’s bittersweet but it's reality.

To end this blog on a happier note, whatever kind of friendships you may have or whatever troubles you might be going through with your friends, there is always a playlist of music to make you feel all the feels. Whether you are mourning a friendship, are closer than ever with your best friends, or are starting to meet new people, follow the link to Spotify at the top of the page to find the playlist for you.